Catherine McAuley lost her father when she was five and he was all she knew of Catholicism, but it was enough to begin a journey back to the Catholic Church as an adult. The lecturer asked what we remembered from before we were five.
"Sunshine," I said, and someone made cute noises to indicate that I was cute.
"Oh, you looked up and saw the sun?"
"My mother was sick and the curtains were always drawn, but they were thin white curtains, so when the sunlight came through it gave everything a warm yellow glow."
Then everybody was solemn and that wasn't what I meant at all.
The lecturer had worked in the Middle East decades ago, one of only two American nuns in the area. I wondered if the second American might have been a woman from my parish, and it was, and everyone was astonished and pleased at the coincidence, and the lecturer asked for contact information so that she could reconnect with the other American.
The nun assigned to help me through the Liturgy of the Hours sometimes forgot to help me. I would flip and flip and flip through the pages, trying to guess which area the reading might be in. Then she would suddenly remember I was helpless, and show me the correct page number, and I would flip madly to the proper place. Afterward, it was time for the Sisters to practice a song, and they let the visitors stay. I picked up the songbook which opened automatically to the right song; Sister opened her book and flipped and flipped and flipped. So I showed her the right page in my book so that she could flip madly to the proper place. Then she bent down and couldn't sing anymore because that was too funny.
And we ate and ate and it was all very good; the Sisters made most of the meals. I met a nun who looked like a benevolent female Schwarzenegger who seemed very puzzled and a little peeved to hear that there were some nuns who didn't like to use the term "Bride of Christ."
I liked everybody very much and I didn't go back.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
The Second Place Part 1
I was really excited about the Third Place, but their discernment retreat was a month after the Second Place's, and after I visited the Second Place, I wasn't excited about the Third Place anymore because I liked the Second Place quite a bit and a Very Deep Soul who also came had already been to the Third Place and would only say that it was "Intense." What she meant was "Extremely Crowded" and "They Make You Play Games" and "They're Excited" and "It Will Take Five Hours for Everyone to Go to Confession" and "Your Cellphone Alarm Will Ring and Wake Everybody At Three AM Even Though Its Turned Off" but I didn't know that yet.
This is a photo of the Very Deep Soul:
This is a photo of the Very Deep Soul:
She is now a Postulant at the Second Place.
When I arrived, I couldn't find anything that looked like a religious guest house, because it was just like all the ordinary houses and the numbers were hidden. I was early anyway so I just drove around and saw cornfields on one side of the town, and some weird, kitschy cafes and churches on the other side. Then a Sister called me to see if I'd left home yet.
"Yep! I'm here."
"You're...here?"
"Yes. I found a little public park and I'm looking at a lake."
"Why are you so early?"
"I thought I might get lost."
"Why?!"
"I don't know. I just get lost sometimes. It's okay, there's this lake."
"Well come over to the guest house and you can take a nap before everybody gets here. This is an awfully small town, you'll get bored out there. Go to the Chapel..."
"I know where that is..."
"...and a Sister will meet you there and you can follow her."
The Sister who met me at the Chapel looked like a benevolent Witch of the West, and she happened to be riding a bicycle. I looked scared.
"Why do you look so scared?" asked the Benevolent Witch of the West.
"That's just my face." It was also the handkerchief; I didn't know if and when women ought to cover their heads at discernment retreats, and I also didn't know how to wear a bandana, and it stuck up straight more often than it stuck out behind.
She took off on her bicycle and I took off in the car and then she was gone and I don't know how that happened.
I pulled up in front of the Main House thinking the bicycle might have disappeared there. Five Sisters hurried toward the driveway, waving their arms forcefully toward the other direction. I panicked and drove away too quickly, and then I panicked again and came back to see where it was that I was supposed to be driving quickly toward, and the bicycle reappeared, and she couldn't figure out how that happened, either.
The guest house stood across the street so I could sit at the table and stare at the Main House and be sorry that I drove too fast on a religious driveway. Then a Sister whipped into the drive in a little red Focus and left twice as fast as me.
There were lots of cookies in the guest house because Panera Bread donates leftovers. There was also lots of coffee, and more stuff in the fridge. There was a quiet, simple bedroom (which I got to chose because I was the first of three). There was a closet with fitted sheets that had been folded, not wadded, and I realized I would never be able to enter this Order.
The First Place part 2
~...even later~
The Effervescent Priest found, not just one, but two correct numbers.
The first correct number connected me to a nun who had been the Vocations Director ten years earlier.
The second correct number belonged to the current Vocations Director, who was sick. Her substitute returned my call and gave me a third correct number, which I lost when I accidentally deleted the voicemail.
~
One day I talked to the In-Lieu-of-the-Vocations-Director.
"You will come to a sign that says 'Administration', with four parking spaces in front of it. Go in that door."
So I went to the sign that said "Administration" with four parking spaces in front of it and went in that door. I had to drive 'round and 'round to find it, and in between, I took the wrong road and approached the Really Spectacular Solemn and August Retirement Mansion. Two old nuns were taking a stroll down the road, a short one and a tall one, and they waved at me, all smiles. I turned around quickly because I did not belong around anything that Majestic, or anyone that sweet. The letters in "Administration" were faded and some were missing, or almost missing. I thought how tacky an entrance it was, in comparison to the Really Spectacular of the other building.
The lady at the desk had no idea who I was or who I needed to see. I sat in an office chair in everyone's way. Boxes were going in and out of the doors beneath the "Administration" sign in front of the four parking spaces. I had thought that a pixie-cut would be cute but I was mislead and no one knew why my hair was too short and I sat on the crooked chair in everybody's way.
They found my appointment after leaving several messages on several different phones. The secretary asked the Unhappy Clerk to guide me to the inner region of the other end of the building, and I waited in another office where I was no longer in anyone's way while another secretary made more phone calls, and then I followed a Much Happier Clerk who had me sit outside the Last Office.
"Under the sign that says 'Administration,'" sighed the In-Lieu-of-the-Vocations-Director (ILotVD) when she arrived.
"I did."
"No, THAT one." And there was a Really Nice, Very Impressive Sign that said 'Administration' with no letters missing, above four newly-painted parking spaces, right outside her office on the opposite end of the world.
So I went to the sign that said "Administration" with four parking spaces in front of it and went in that door. I had to drive 'round and 'round to find it, and in between, I took the wrong road and approached the Really Spectacular Solemn and August Retirement Mansion. Two old nuns were taking a stroll down the road, a short one and a tall one, and they waved at me, all smiles. I turned around quickly because I did not belong around anything that Majestic, or anyone that sweet. The letters in "Administration" were faded and some were missing, or almost missing. I thought how tacky an entrance it was, in comparison to the Really Spectacular of the other building.
The lady at the desk had no idea who I was or who I needed to see. I sat in an office chair in everyone's way. Boxes were going in and out of the doors beneath the "Administration" sign in front of the four parking spaces. I had thought that a pixie-cut would be cute but I was mislead and no one knew why my hair was too short and I sat on the crooked chair in everybody's way.
They found my appointment after leaving several messages on several different phones. The secretary asked the Unhappy Clerk to guide me to the inner region of the other end of the building, and I waited in another office where I was no longer in anyone's way while another secretary made more phone calls, and then I followed a Much Happier Clerk who had me sit outside the Last Office.
"Under the sign that says 'Administration,'" sighed the In-Lieu-of-the-Vocations-Director (ILotVD) when she arrived.
"I did."
"No, THAT one." And there was a Really Nice, Very Impressive Sign that said 'Administration' with no letters missing, above four newly-painted parking spaces, right outside her office on the opposite end of the world.
~
And I hated everything. Except for some of the pictures, and one of the stairwells, and the short and tall nuns in their habits, and the crackers I found in the glove box.
~
And while I was sitting alone in a drop-off area waiting on the ILotVD, the two old nuns finally finished their journey from the Really Spectacular Solemn and August Retirement Mansion. The tall one reached to open the door and the short one looked at me.
"I wonder who that guy is waiting for," said the short one.
"Is it a guy? I don't have my glasses." The tall one stood straighter and squinted. "Yep, its a guy!"
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
For Nam. Because everything else I've posted bored her to death and she came back to life as a vampire.
Dusk. The wet leaves sloshed underfoot. The vampiress was awake - and she was HUNGRY! She was tired of the blood of squirrels and moles and other small animals that invaded her parents' well-manicured lawn. It was time to find something a little more satisfying...
So she called her cousin at 2 am.
"Its 2 am!" said her cousin. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"No. No, I'm not okay," said the vampiress. "I need you to come over. RIGHT NOW. Because I'm HUNGRY. Don't forget to bring your redneck coffee holder."
"Go look in the fridge! I'm trying to take a nap over here."
"The fridge? Blech! I don't want to drink the blood of chicken livers!" protested the vampiress.
"I don't either," said her cousin. "It sounds pretty gross to me. Is that all your parents feed you? I'll be right there."
Then, faster than the Jimmy-John's delivery guy (which was awfully fast for a big red 23-year-old rusty pickup truck), her cousin arrived. It was so fast that the vampiress hadn't even said 'redneck coffee holder' yet, which means that her cousin had gone sooooo fast she had actually gone back in time. And therefore, she forgot the roll of duct tape which was the redneck coffee holder. (She also forgot to bring her vintage 1962 bottle of Holy Water, which might have come in handy.)
"You forgot the redneck coffee holder," said the vampiress. "But who cares? I don't want COFFEE. I want BLOOOOOOD!"
"Why are your eyes really dark? And why does your perfectly white skin kind of sparkle in the lamplight?"
"You smell soooooo tasty!" said the vampiress.
"That's because I didn't brush my teeth. You probably smell sardines and goat cheese."
"I smell - HUMAN BLOOOOOOD!" screamed the vampiress.
And nobody ever saw the cousin again. She did not turn into a vampire. She did not pass Go or collect $200. The Big Red Dodge felt rejected and he ran away.
So she called her cousin at 2 am.
"Its 2 am!" said her cousin. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"No. No, I'm not okay," said the vampiress. "I need you to come over. RIGHT NOW. Because I'm HUNGRY. Don't forget to bring your redneck coffee holder."
"Go look in the fridge! I'm trying to take a nap over here."
"The fridge? Blech! I don't want to drink the blood of chicken livers!" protested the vampiress.
"I don't either," said her cousin. "It sounds pretty gross to me. Is that all your parents feed you? I'll be right there."
Then, faster than the Jimmy-John's delivery guy (which was awfully fast for a big red 23-year-old rusty pickup truck), her cousin arrived. It was so fast that the vampiress hadn't even said 'redneck coffee holder' yet, which means that her cousin had gone sooooo fast she had actually gone back in time. And therefore, she forgot the roll of duct tape which was the redneck coffee holder. (She also forgot to bring her vintage 1962 bottle of Holy Water, which might have come in handy.)
"You forgot the redneck coffee holder," said the vampiress. "But who cares? I don't want COFFEE. I want BLOOOOOOD!"
"Why are your eyes really dark? And why does your perfectly white skin kind of sparkle in the lamplight?"
"You smell soooooo tasty!" said the vampiress.
"That's because I didn't brush my teeth. You probably smell sardines and goat cheese."
"I smell - HUMAN BLOOOOOOD!" screamed the vampiress.
And nobody ever saw the cousin again. She did not turn into a vampire. She did not pass Go or collect $200. The Big Red Dodge felt rejected and he ran away.
THE END
Conversations with Little Sister
Little Sister: "Vatican II" sounds like a violent video game.
Me: "Vatican II: Revenge of the Vampire Bishops" - Ve vant to vear your pointy hats...
~
Little Sister: I need more Jesus and less candy this Easter. (Little Sister only says stuff like that when she's really depressed and worrying about End Time Events. So I will cheer her up.)
Me: I'll eat your candy. I already ate Jesus.
Little Sister: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
~
Little Sister: My church lets me drink CappaTripleMochaIceEspresso Coffee IN THE SANCTUARY.
Me: My church lets me eat Jesus. IN THE SANTUARY.
Little Sister: ...lol
Me: And I get donuts afterward. In the fellowship hall.
Little Sister: My church lets me eat donuts IN THE SANCTUARY. ...You do know you can't talk to dead people right?
Me: I talk to dead people IN THE SANCTUARY. And they don't know they're dead. Becauuuuuse...they're NOT dead. Christianity teaches that people who die in Christ have eternal life.
Little Sister: ...lol I still have my CappaTripleMochaIceEspresso Coffee.
Me: Carp.
(I just made that up.)
Jesus Is Polite and Has A Beard (Why I Hate Pop Quizzes)
I am am introvert. My brain is designed differently than the majority's. It takes me a long time to process information and produce the necessary result; so long, in fact, that I have already begun to panic in the silence between your question and my answer. When I panic, I stop thinking. When I don't think, I don't talk. When I don't talk, people think I am stupid or rude, and I panic more. Then I finally say something that only reinforces their suspicions. If we could exchange emails instead, this would not happen.
In the process of becoming Catholic, lots of scaries happen, some of which are supposed to happen, some which aren't. One of the scaries that is supposed to happen is the Confirmation Interview, which happens in order to be sure that the person seeking Confirmation has adequate knowledge of the faith (its bad to kill people. Its good to do what mommy and daddy say - unless they tell you to kill people). The typical age of someone approaching this milestone is 7, although some wait until highschool. If a 7-year-old can do it, I can do it. As long as it doesn't involve squirting Play-Doh out of the tear ducts. I can't do that. But I couldn't even when I was 7.
The Effervescent Priest has his signature question that he asks of each person seeking Confirmation: "Who is Jesus to you?"
Remember, The Question is, "Who is Jesus to you?"
When I went in for my Interview, I had been very careful to memorize all the little details that poor pitiful 7-year-olds ought to know: What are the 4 pillars of the Church? What are Her precepts? What are the Fruits of the Holy Spirit? What are the Gifts of the Holy Spirit? What is the Holy Spirit? St. Augustine, St. Cyril of Jerusalem, and Pope St. Gregory the Great walk into a bar; what is the punchline? Why do Polish people eat Paczki on a certain Tuesday several weeks before Easter?
I tried to be very sure that I was well-prepared. I emailed the RCIA coordinator (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) to ask about the difficultly and preparedness level, and to explain that I had always been bad at pop quizzes. She said, "You're fine." (She is Polish and makes Paczki for a certain Tuesday in early Spring from recipes that have been in the family for 86 generations, since before they even knew what Paczki was.)
I arrived too early because I thought I would be too late. Then the Effervescent Priest arrived.
Q. "What is your favorite food?"
A. "Pizza."
Q. "What is your favorite restaurant?"
A. "Pizza Hut."
He eventually asked what I thought Holy Communion was. Then he said, "If someone were to knock on that door right now, and I said 'Go open the door and see who's out there!' And you got up and opened the door and it was JEEESUS - what would He look like?"
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This is why I hate spontaneous quizzes: 'The door! The door is wood. I don't know what kind of wood. Sort of pale. The handle looks aluminum. It opens inward. Who cares?! Why am I opening the door?!!! Its not MY office!...oh, I see, its because he TOLD me to, and I'm the younger, less important person in this room; I open the door, because I'm polite and respectful to my elders and betters, especially when they ask me to do things like open doors. Annnnnnnnd...its Jesus? Why is Jesus knocking?? He can walk through walls!!!!!'
"What?" I ask.
"Somebody just knocked on that door, that door right there. I tell you to go open that door. You jump up and open the door. Its JEEESUS!!! What does He look like?"
'Okay, okay, Jesus is knocking because its the polite thing to do, it is NOT polite to just walk through closed doors - Jesus is polite, and I'M polite, Jesus knocks and I open doors when people knock on them even though its not my office. Okay okay I got it. We are BOTH polite. O carp, that wasn't the question. The question waaaaaaasssss...okay, Jesus looks like - a Jewish person! Jewish people look Jewish! He has a beard. He looks liiiiiike...a Jewish person with a beard! No, no, no...AAAAAAAAA!! the priest is very very busy and I still don't know what the question is?? Oh okay! Jesus looks like George MacDonald!....becauuuuuse...they both had beards! Nonononono!!! Because, ah, George MacDonald was - ***WARNING***THREAT TO SYSTEM DETECTED***POTENTIAL RISK OF EMOTION***WARNING***PROCEED ANYWAY?***OPERATION CANCELED***...oh wait, I get it, I GET it, he doesn't care what Jesus LOOKED like, he's asking what Jesus IS like...too late TOO LATE appropriate response time exceeded beyond capacity, abort mission...abort...abort...'
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"Uh-hhh a ki-i-innnd person?"
"You must know Him well!" says the Effervescent Priest.
Later, I realized, 'That was The Question, The Signature Question.'
Go directly to Jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
O carp.
~
In the process of becoming Catholic, lots of scaries happen, some of which are supposed to happen, some which aren't. One of the scaries that is supposed to happen is the Confirmation Interview, which happens in order to be sure that the person seeking Confirmation has adequate knowledge of the faith (its bad to kill people. Its good to do what mommy and daddy say - unless they tell you to kill people). The typical age of someone approaching this milestone is 7, although some wait until highschool. If a 7-year-old can do it, I can do it. As long as it doesn't involve squirting Play-Doh out of the tear ducts. I can't do that. But I couldn't even when I was 7.
The Effervescent Priest has his signature question that he asks of each person seeking Confirmation: "Who is Jesus to you?"
Remember, The Question is, "Who is Jesus to you?"
When I went in for my Interview, I had been very careful to memorize all the little details that poor pitiful 7-year-olds ought to know: What are the 4 pillars of the Church? What are Her precepts? What are the Fruits of the Holy Spirit? What are the Gifts of the Holy Spirit? What is the Holy Spirit? St. Augustine, St. Cyril of Jerusalem, and Pope St. Gregory the Great walk into a bar; what is the punchline? Why do Polish people eat Paczki on a certain Tuesday several weeks before Easter?
I tried to be very sure that I was well-prepared. I emailed the RCIA coordinator (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) to ask about the difficultly and preparedness level, and to explain that I had always been bad at pop quizzes. She said, "You're fine." (She is Polish and makes Paczki for a certain Tuesday in early Spring from recipes that have been in the family for 86 generations, since before they even knew what Paczki was.)
I arrived too early because I thought I would be too late. Then the Effervescent Priest arrived.
Q. "What is your favorite food?"
A. "Pizza."
Q. "What is your favorite restaurant?"
A. "Pizza Hut."
He eventually asked what I thought Holy Communion was. Then he said, "If someone were to knock on that door right now, and I said 'Go open the door and see who's out there!' And you got up and opened the door and it was JEEESUS - what would He look like?"
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
This is why I hate spontaneous quizzes: 'The door! The door is wood. I don't know what kind of wood. Sort of pale. The handle looks aluminum. It opens inward. Who cares?! Why am I opening the door?!!! Its not MY office!...oh, I see, its because he TOLD me to, and I'm the younger, less important person in this room; I open the door, because I'm polite and respectful to my elders and betters, especially when they ask me to do things like open doors. Annnnnnnnd...its Jesus? Why is Jesus knocking?? He can walk through walls!!!!!'
"What?" I ask.
"Somebody just knocked on that door, that door right there. I tell you to go open that door. You jump up and open the door. Its JEEESUS!!! What does He look like?"
'Okay, okay, Jesus is knocking because its the polite thing to do, it is NOT polite to just walk through closed doors - Jesus is polite, and I'M polite, Jesus knocks and I open doors when people knock on them even though its not my office. Okay okay I got it. We are BOTH polite. O carp, that wasn't the question. The question waaaaaaasssss...okay, Jesus looks like - a Jewish person! Jewish people look Jewish! He has a beard. He looks liiiiiike...a Jewish person with a beard! No, no, no...AAAAAAAAA!! the priest is very very busy and I still don't know what the question is?? Oh okay! Jesus looks like George MacDonald!....becauuuuuse...they both had beards! Nonononono!!! Because, ah, George MacDonald was - ***WARNING***THREAT TO SYSTEM DETECTED***POTENTIAL RISK OF EMOTION***WARNING***PROCEED ANYWAY?***OPERATION CANCELED***...oh wait, I get it, I GET it, he doesn't care what Jesus LOOKED like, he's asking what Jesus IS like...too late TOO LATE appropriate response time exceeded beyond capacity, abort mission...abort...abort...'
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-
-
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"Uh-hhh a ki-i-innnd person?"
"You must know Him well!" says the Effervescent Priest.
Later, I realized, 'That was The Question, The Signature Question.'
Go directly to Jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
O carp.
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