Jesus Is Polite and Has A Beard (Why I Hate Pop Quizzes)

     I am am introvert. My brain is designed differently than the majority's. It takes me a long time to process information and produce the necessary result; so long, in fact, that I have already begun to panic in the silence between your question and my answer. When I panic, I stop thinking. When I don't think, I don't talk. When I don't talk, people think I am stupid or rude, and I panic more. Then I finally say something that only reinforces their suspicions. If we could exchange emails instead, this would not happen.

 

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     In the process of becoming Catholic, lots of scaries happen, some of which are supposed to happen, some which aren't. One of the scaries that is supposed to happen is the Confirmation Interview, which happens in order to be sure that the person seeking Confirmation has adequate knowledge of the faith (its bad to kill people. Its good to do what mommy and daddy say - unless they tell you to kill people). The typical age of someone approaching this milestone is 7, although some wait until highschool. If a 7-year-old can do it, I can do it. As long as it doesn't involve squirting Play-Doh out of the tear ducts. I can't do that. But I couldn't even when I was 7.
     The Effervescent Priest has his signature question that he asks of each person seeking Confirmation: "Who is Jesus to you?"
     Remember, The Question is, "Who is Jesus to you?"
     When I went in for my Interview, I had been very careful to memorize all the little details that poor pitiful 7-year-olds ought to know: What are the 4 pillars of the Church? What are Her precepts? What are the Fruits of the Holy Spirit? What are the Gifts of the Holy Spirit? What is the Holy Spirit? St. Augustine, St. Cyril of Jerusalem, and Pope St. Gregory the Great walk into a bar; what is the punchline? Why do Polish people eat Paczki on a certain Tuesday several weeks before Easter?

     I tried to be very sure that I was well-prepared. I emailed the RCIA coordinator (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) to ask about the difficultly and preparedness level, and to explain that I had always been bad at pop quizzes. She said, "You're fine." (She is Polish and makes Paczki for a certain Tuesday in early Spring from recipes that have been in the family for 86 generations, since before they even knew what Paczki was.)

     I arrived too early because I thought I would be too late. Then the Effervescent Priest arrived.
     Q. "What is your favorite food?"
     A. "Pizza."
     Q. "What is your favorite restaurant?"
     A. "Pizza Hut."

     He eventually asked what I thought Holy Communion was. Then he said, "If someone were to knock on that door right now, and I said 'Go open the door and see who's out there!' And you got up and opened the door and it was JEEESUS - what would He look like?"
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     This is why I hate spontaneous quizzes: 'The door! The door is wood. I don't know what kind of wood. Sort of pale. The handle looks aluminum. It opens inward. Who cares?! Why am I opening the door?!!! Its not MY office!...oh, I see, its because he TOLD me to, and I'm the younger, less important person in this room; I open the door, because I'm polite and respectful to my elders and betters, especially when they ask me to do things like open doors. Annnnnnnnd...its Jesus? Why is Jesus knocking?? He can walk through walls!!!!!'

     "What?" I ask.
     "Somebody just knocked on that door, that door right there. I tell you to go open that door. You jump up and open the door. Its JEEESUS!!! What does He look like?"

     'Okay, okay, Jesus is knocking because its the polite thing to do, it is NOT polite to just walk through closed doors - Jesus is polite, and I'M polite, Jesus knocks and I open doors when people knock on them even though its not my office. Okay okay I got it. We are BOTH polite. O carp, that wasn't the question. The question waaaaaaasssss...okay, Jesus looks like - a Jewish person! Jewish people look Jewish! He has a beard. He looks liiiiiike...a Jewish person with a beard! No, no, no...AAAAAAAAA!! the priest is very very busy and I still don't know what the question is?? Oh okay! Jesus looks like George MacDonald!....becauuuuuse...they both had beards! Nonononono!!! Because, ah, George MacDonald was - ***WARNING***THREAT TO SYSTEM DETECTED***POTENTIAL RISK OF EMOTION***WARNING***PROCEED ANYWAY?***OPERATION CANCELED***...oh wait, I get it, I GET it, he doesn't care what Jesus LOOKED like, he's asking what Jesus IS like...too late TOO LATE appropriate response time exceeded beyond capacity, abort mission...abort...abort...'
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     "Uh-hhh a ki-i-innnd person?"
     "You must know Him well!" says the Effervescent Priest.

     Later, I realized, 'That was The Question, The Signature Question.'
     Go directly to Jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
     O carp.