For Nam. Because everything else I've posted bored her to death and she came back to life as a vampire.

     Dusk. The wet leaves sloshed underfoot. The vampiress was awake - and she was HUNGRY! She was tired of the blood of squirrels and moles and other small animals that invaded her parents' well-manicured lawn. It was time to find something a little more satisfying...
     So she called her cousin at 2 am.
     "Its 2 am!" said her cousin. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
     "No. No, I'm not okay," said the vampiress. "I need you to come over. RIGHT NOW. Because I'm HUNGRY. Don't forget to bring your redneck coffee holder."
     "Go look in the fridge! I'm trying to take a nap over here."
     "The fridge? Blech! I don't want to drink the blood of chicken livers!" protested the vampiress.
     "I don't either," said her cousin. "It sounds pretty gross to me. Is that all your parents feed you? I'll be right there."
     Then, faster than the Jimmy-John's delivery guy (which was awfully fast for a big red 23-year-old rusty pickup truck), her cousin arrived. It was so fast that the vampiress hadn't even said 'redneck coffee holder' yet, which means that her cousin had gone sooooo fast she had actually gone back in time. And therefore, she forgot the roll of duct tape which was the redneck coffee holder. (She also forgot to bring her vintage 1962 bottle of Holy Water, which might have come in handy.)
     "You forgot the redneck coffee holder," said the vampiress. "But who cares? I don't want COFFEE. I want BLOOOOOOD!"
     "Why are your eyes really dark? And why does your perfectly white skin kind of sparkle in the lamplight?"
     "You smell soooooo tasty!" said the vampiress.
     "That's because I didn't brush my teeth. You probably smell sardines and goat cheese."
     "I smell - HUMAN BLOOOOOOD!" screamed the vampiress.
     And nobody ever saw the cousin again. She did not turn into a vampire. She did not pass Go or collect $200. The Big Red Dodge felt rejected and he ran away.

THE END